This time he only wanted me in his life for three days before I stopped existing to him again. I think it’s a new record for him. It’s usually after at least around a week. I’m satirically bemused rather than shocked or surprised. I’ve watched myself spinning round and round this same cycle for the last seven months of my life and each ride ends the same way.
It’s his birthday today and I don’t exist to him.
I’d hoped that this time he had realised he really does want to be with me… and that maybe he had realised he doesn’t want to lose me. I’d hoped that this time he meant it.
It’s his birthday, and he didn’t include me in any part of his day.
I’d hoped he’d want me there as part of his day of festivities. I’d hoped that he wanted me there.
I’m not crushed. I’m not hurting. I’m not even angry. I chose to submit to the sweet, seductive melodies of the hamster wheel despite full disclosure of his capacity to emotionally wound me with every intoxicating revolution. I’m just tired of the defeated sound of my own broken record. I’m just so fucking tired of it.
It’s his birthday, and he doesn’t want me there, and he doesn’t want me.